A public service announcement
This isn't news to anyone. But sometimes the truth needs a dedicated domain.
Empirical evidence
100%
of people surveyed agree
Sample size: everyone who's met Alec
47
incidents documented
And those are just the ones we know about
0
people who disagree
We asked. Nobody came forward.
∞
times Alec has been a bitch
Mathematically proven
The timeline
Alec is born. The bitchery begins.
Tells other kids Santa isn't real. Is wrong about the reason — right about being a bitch.
Creates a 'ranking' of his friends. Distributes printed copies.
Goes to college. His roommate transfers within a month.
Gets a LinkedIn. Endorses himself for 'Leadership.'
Somehow still a bitch. Scientists baffled by consistency.
What people are saying
“I've known Alec for years. He's always been a bitch.”
Former Friend
Knew Alec Since 2012
“One time Alec said he'd bring chips to the party. He brought celery. Celery.”
Party Attendee
Still Upset
“Alec once reported our group chat to HR. We work at different companies.”
Anonymous
Verified Victim
“He orders well-done steak and then complains it's too dry.”
Waitstaff
Multiple Establishments
“Alec told me to 'calm down' during a board game. I was winning.”
Game Night Regular
Banned Alec From Catan
“He claps when the plane lands.”
Seat 14B
Witness
We anticipated your concerns
Yes. This has been peer-reviewed.
You already know which one.
Probably. He's the type to Google himself.
You don't need to. We already know.
Truth is an absolute defense.
Then you should probably reflect on some things.
In conclusion,
Alec is a bitch.
Thank you for attending this TED talk.